History Repeats

Nowadays, I would thank God for having the time to even do some shut eye. That explains the reason why I was all missing again. Health had been getting worse lately. Maybe it's purely due to stress.. Actually took my pulse 2 months back in my company. People my age would be having health standards like maybe 80/100. Guess what's mine? 35! And last week I took it again cos I was taking supplements from my company to build up my body's immunity. This time, it was worse. 25!!!! Uncle Jeffery said my health is equals to somebody who is 70 years old. It clearly explains how damaging stress could do to your body! I feel like I am about to break down anytime from now. Those late nights yakking + lamenting + bitching + complaining + drinking + whatever you can think of... Just because I was stressed up. And I really was. Weight took a plunge & so did those extra inches (HOORAY! ), complexion starts to deteriorate & I no longer look radiant like before.  The lousiest thing that could ever happen was that the positive me was gone... Yes, gone with the wind.

Sidetrack to my career for the time being. I am now with a local SME doing marketing. Corporate marketing for some kinda fresh air system or ionizer like what some colleagues call it. 2 months into it.. Sales been good for those of you who care. I will appreciate if anyone out there knows of any company who would like to see our portfolio or try out a 3 day trial for the system, please refer them to me! Thank God my time is flexible enough for me to take good care of the family. I am trying hard to gun for my promotion this month. It's not easy but I will never give up! Because with a family background like mine, if I give up, EVERYONE dies too! Ok, back to topic...

Sometimes I blame myself for all these things that happened. Like what people says, it always takes 2 to clap. And bingo, you have guessed it right. My marriage is failing again. Not with a 3rd party involved this time. It's purely due to characteristics. How I wish I could tolerate those rubbish. I had alwiz detest broken families.. And that is the last on the list that I wanna give my children. I can be poor but I cannot have a broken family. Poor meaning not sinking into poverty but in the sense that I won't be able to lead a luxurious life. Who isn't materialistic in this world? EVERYONE IS!!! And so am I... But to the best of my knowledge, you spend only when you really have extra. It's a test to all our temptations.. And it takes alot of discipline to be able to tell yourself when to spend & when not to. It sucks when you know that your closest kin is being taken advantage of MONEY. Just because somebody doesn't know how to think wisely, everyone suffers. It's being extremely selfish & immature. Seriously, I wonder how long more I could tolerate this. We need a cooling off period badly.

MIL is hospitalised... Tumor was detected in her womb which I thought was removed 20years back. She just had it removed this morning. It was about 10cm in circumference. Whether anot it is benign or maglinant, we all gotta wait for the test results to come out. I pray hard that nothing bad would befall her. I have made arrangements for her to stay over my house after she discharge. Her heartless husband (sorry for saying that) will never be able to care for her. I would rather I shoulder the responsibility than to see her not getting the ample amount of care at her own house.

Plans have all been postponed to a later stage i.e moving house & such. We all still do not know what the outcome would be like after the cooling off period. We wouldn't want a new house to tie us down either. It is best to keep our mindset clear for a better self reflect. Who knows at the end of the day, this existing house gotta be sold off due to SOME reasons? Life is alwiz unpredictable. And yeah, it consists of a never ending load of PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS AND MORE PROBLEMS. I have alwiz been telling myself that setbacks are here to make me a stronger person & I must never ever say die! So long I still have life in me, so long I still have dreams, I believe that tomorrow will alwiz be a better day! Ha, I know, you must be thinking "to say is easier than done" eh? It's the difficult part that makes us stronger.. I will brace up & walk through all these with my head held up high & not let anything pull me down!

My Greatest Wish

Sorry for being gone, AGAIN... Was extremely busy with the mooncake thingy @ Swissotel. But it was definitely an eye opening experience for me. My first time in the F&B line!  Unfortunately, God was cruel to me. In the midst of the hectic schedule, I was hospitalised. I had been experiencing heart palpitations for a consecutive of 3 days. And on the day when I was admitted, I had 2 episodes of it. 1st one lasted me abt 10mins, the 2nd abt 3hrs. I was scared out of my wits. I experienced giddyness with cold sweat breaking & not forgetting BREATHLESSNESS. I felt like I was on the verge of death. But I hung on... I knew I couldn't let go of my life yet. It would be unfair to my family members. Especially my 2 darlings. And today, I am gonna talk about my greatest wish...

After being married for 5years+, I finally realised how important it is to stand by ur loved ones through thick & thin. I used to be extremely playful because I knew that life is very short. If I do not play now, I mite be gone the next minute. This episode of hospitalisation has taught me lots of things. Despite learning to take good care of my health more, I am beginning to treasure my family more & more. Especially my husband whom I have neglected for long long time.. I knew that death is something everybody has to go through, be it me or you. It's only a matter of time. And since young, like I had mentioned in the previous entry, I have had this premonition that I will go earlier than anyone else. That might also be 1 of the reason why I was so playful. And now, what I want is to be able to lead a normal & healthy lifestyle.. So that I can see my 2 lovely kids grow up & get married. Everybody says that God is fair. Somehow or rather, ironically, I choose to believe. But come to think of it, how fair is he if he were to take away somebody's life, leaving the grieving family in pain & agony?

Life is so fragile.. If only I were to be given a chance to turn back time, I will make full use of it. I seriously don't wanna die with any regrets. I wanna make up to all my friends & family members whom I have let down. And of course to the husband who had alwiz stood by me throughout thick or thin, sickness or health. I am deeply touched by all these actions. I know that I am the one who has let him down, broke his heart.. I have sworn upon God that from this very moment, I am gonna love & treasure him like how I did last time. Same goes for the children. They are gonna remember their mummy as somebody who brought them lots of fun & laughter when she is gone.. And for this, I think God is really fair. Cos I have met those who made my life complete... HAVE YOU?

My Biggest Regret(s)

Have you ever thought of what your biggest regret would be? If you were lying on your death bed already, with your children or even grandchildren looking @ your passing? Would anyone remember you with pride? Or would they feel disgusted when they thought of you, even after you have died?

My greatest regret... With an S, sadly, would be:

- Unable to strive & perservere in my studies

- Not given the opportunity to learn the chinese instrument, GU ZHENG.

- Not given the opportunity to express my musical talent & to learn PIANO.

- Not being able to control my bull's temper.

- Not being able to maintain my marriage till a "happily-ever-after".

- Not being able to show my parents how much I love them, from the bottom of my heart.

- Not being able to shower & groom my 2 darlings with my fullest ability.

I do not know about the rest of you, but I alwiz had this premonition about my life since I was 12. I knew I wasn't gonna live long, I knew I would die a painful death (eg, cancer or car accident) b4 the age of 30. But ironically, I wasn't even making full use of my time!! I was feeling abit upset when I turned my back round & looked at my past on my way home just now. Regrets.... Full of regrets. I am already 25 but I have not strived in any career... The best part is, I failed as a mother! Imagine I am really gonna die in 5years time. What have I acheived?! NOTHING! Okie, maybe I really preservered in my salsa... BUT, that is NOT enough! I really hate to think about such things.. I am sinking into melancholic mode again. I am afraid of death, I dowanna leave my kids when they are still so young... I love them very much. I wanna groom them & make them dancers when they grow up. I have doubts about my hubby that he is gonna fulfill my dreams even when I die. You all know how unfair God is, sometimes. I am a non smoker and neither am I an alcholic. I exercise like 4 times a week & I dun really eat junk food. But why is it that I am given such a short lifespan? When people who smoke & drink like nobody's businesses can live till a ripe old age? Cynthia even told me once, "Do you know why I smoke so much? Because I know that I am not gonna get any cancer from smoking." Yah, that is what I meant by PREMONITION. Call me nuts.. But I am serious!!!!

Anyway, the reason why I am typing all these is because I dowanna regret if I cannot even wake up tomorrow. At least I know, I have penned my thoughts down & someone is gonna help me realise my last wishes. And if I really die, I wan all my friends around me to be happy, cos I will be looking after everyone by then. It will pain me to see anyone sad. And of cos for my hubby, I hope he will remarry & get a better wife. I failed as a wife... I cannot cross my own barrier & re-accept a new him. As for my kids, I hope they will remember me as a good (although I know I am lousy) mother. Most importantly, I hope my parents will be strong as a bull even when they are into their 70s.

I know that life after death is gonna be a pain-free experience... I might even like it? Who knows? But saying goodbye is never easy... And this is a goodbye that is for LIFE. So people, have you ever thought, what your biggest regret will be? Time to make a change.. I bet it feels good to be able to SMILE at yourself when you take a walk down memory lane, agree?

I'm Back For More... CRAP?

Erm... It's been like, 3months of no blogging. Damn, I am really getting a lil sick of typing (ranting) about my life on & on again. But nevertheless, I think ranting is still part & parcel of what everyone does. Therefore, I decided to clear cobwebs & tada! Here I am, back with exciting (silly) news about none other than YOURS TRULY!

You know, I SERIOUSLY wanna upload some photos to share. But the chore of cropping it, resizing it and HOSTING it really sucks. It takes up too much of my time! But anyway, lemme just do a SHORT update about my stupid life b4 I go slack in my bed for the rest of the day.  

1st, about SALSA. I have completed Intermediate 3 like 2months back. And am, as usual, trying HARD to enrol myself into RUEDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   2 fucking months into anticipating.... 2 fucking months on the waiting list. And why is it so hard to find a guy to learn rueda together?! I really hated my batch. It's FOREVER flooded with GIRLS, GIRLS and MORE GIRLS! Where on earth have all the guys gone to? If I wait for Andrew, that would make me wait another 2 more months at least. He is only gonna complete his Intermediate 1 next Thursday. Another 5 weeks of Intermediate 1.5, another 5 weeks of Intermediate 2 before he can learn rueda!!!! And hell no, I AM NOT EVER GONNA WAIT! I am looking forward to be able to complete at least R2 by SISF in October. But from the looks of it, I am gonna be VERY~~~~ pessismistic. ARGH! I hate to wait I hate to wait!!!  I pray to the lord - to bestow upon me, a charming guy who is willing to take rueda with ME!!! It would be good if he looks like... Erm.... Ok, nevermind.

2nd, BACHATA! Yah, I am going nuts abt this dance. Today is my 1st lesson at En Motion! It is SUPER~~~~~~~~~ difficult lah. BUTT pain.  The hip movement is really really really really really tough, especially for pple like me who have coordination problem when it comes to moving my legs, knees, hands, hips ON THE LEFT SIDE. I am like a cripple when you tell me to coordinate my left. OMG OMG!!!! But no, I am gonna master this dance by month end. I wanna be able to dance well with the super expert I met last Saturday! His lead is POWERFUL. I hope I can be able to see him again. Need some advice to IMPROVE! The sad thing is, I.... I.... I.... Forgot to ask for his name.  

3rdly, MY JOB... HOHOHO, this is the best part of the blog... Especially for pple who dun understand a FIG about dance. I RESIGNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hurray! I simply... Hate admin. Paperwork sucks to the core! 3.5mths into doing admin, and I am out of AIA! Both my boss & I agreed that I really cannot cope. It sucks lah, u know. So many FHRs to write... So many ad hoc duties to do. So many this, so many that. I think it's best I go back and do what I do best. TALK TALK TALK - Sales. And yah, I was being offered to take the M5, M9 & HI paper. M5 booked on 1st August. Gonna attend tutorials.......... *sulks* Imagine Pauline sitting in a tutorial. What the FIG right? Anyway, it's sponsored lah. Shall pass and see how. Meanwhile, it's job hunting time. Else I am gonna go make mooncakes with Cynthia WEF 17th Aug. Part time. Wah seh, make mooncake leh. SHIOK man... Hands on is what I like. I am a practical person by nature..

Alright, enough of crapping. I need to rest well & HOPEFULLY there are people going to Union tonight! I haven been dancing for 1 whole fucking week! DEPRIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALOHA People

And what is happening to my stupid chatterbox again?!!! I wonder why do fooble loves to kick me out of their website. This is the 2nd time my chatterbox has gone missing! It is really damn irritating to find it missing. Anyway, I am back from genting and I almost lost my life last Saturday. BUT, I am in no mood to blog actually. Will feed you guys with details IF I have the time at work tmr. Ciao~